I’ve never done this before…

I’ve never considered myself much of a writer. I’ve never been “outstanding” at anything really. My grammar isn’t perfect and my thoughts can be a jumbled mess. I have always been the advice giver of my friends. I always have felt like I have a message to share with the world…like I was called to do something greater than just me. But as I mentioned, I’ve never been great at many things. I think that I hold myself back because of my own insecurities.

I’ve been going through what feels like an awakening recently. I feel so connected to the world, the universe, and my angels. I can feel myself changing every day and learning new things about myself. But at the same time, I feel so stuck. I’m about to graduate college and I have no idea what I see myself doing for a career, I just got out of a relationship with a man who was also my best friend and who I thought I was going to be with forever, and I feel like I have a calling that I’m not so sure of what it could be.  I have a lot of uncertainty ahead of me…it’s scary.

Sometimes I just sit at one of the coffee shops in my town and just people watch. The people sitting alone, like myself. The people who have study groups. The people who are on dates. I wonder if they are going through the same things I am. Are they happy? Or trying their best to be? Everyone has their own journey, sometimes mine feels especially hard. I have a great life and a great support system, but sometimes I can get into my own head and feel so alone. My mom always tells me that before I was born, I picked my own journey and that I picked it for a reason. But damn, I’m tired.

I am extremely strong, but I am human nonetheless. As a human, we always have our moments. When I find myself in these sad moments I always look for a healthy way out. I have been journaling for a long time, I recently started my third (lol) attempt at therapy, and I am currently sitting outside at my coffee shop starting a blog under a pseudonym because I am afraid of rejection or having any attention on me. As I mentioned at the start of this post, I am going through a break up with a very important person in my life. It’s extremely sad to have been close and with someone for so long……then there’s just nothing. Silence. Social media doesn’t seem to help much either. We had a good relationship, but, I must admit, there was always something missing. I didn’t have the strength or courage to leave. He did. I was really heartbroken…I still am, but it was necessary. We both deserve to give the best love to someone and to receive the best love from someone. Losing my best friend is the hardest part. I think that everyone fears being replaced and thinks, “well why wouldn’t he do that for me?” The truth is, sometimes you just aren’t that person for someone. You can’t force yourself to be either, trust me on that. I can’t tell you the number of times I found myself in complete anxiety and meltdown mode about how to make myself better for this person. When, in fact, I was good. I was great. No matter how much you try, and try, and try…you won’t be everything for someone who is not in it. I know moving forward it will be hard to watch him treat other people how I, so badly, wanted to be treated by him and that same question will keep popping into my brain.

I have to let it go. I deserve the freedom and the peace that I haven’t had in so long. There will be so many relationships and friendships that just don’t work, and that’s okay.  I am finding peace from within and realizing all the people I do have in my life. Making changes to better myself for me and not for a boyfriend in fear of being abandoned. Your life is about you. Do what makes you happy. Do what makes you passionate. Do what makes you feel peace. Do what you want and don’t cause harm. Live out a life of love and happiness. Don’t be held down from your fears (i know, easier said than done…but as long as we’re trying).

Live your life and share your light
-the girl with many glasses

 

5 thoughts on “I’ve never done this before…

      1. Hey you’re welcome 😀
        That’s how I felt when I started a few months ago.
        (Btw would you like to check out my site? I’d love feedback)

        Like

Leave a comment